I feel like letting go.

The littlest response warms my heart.. but i don’t get what i expect.

Is it my own fault? Am i wanting too much? Did i misunderstand?

Who knows? I just love you.

Sometimes things take you by surprise when you expect something, and it goes a little further in reality.

I said what i felt i had to, but i didn’t know the impact was so huge. Maybe it came out wrong, i bet it did, but it hurt him so bad. Then i realised that my own heart was breaking. You don’t expect to hurt someone you love so much and not feel a thing, but what surprises me now is that i can’t control how i feel. I can’t stop the tears and the pain. The agony.

It’s my own fault. If i had thought about my actions and the consequences, then maybe things wouldn’t have come to this. But it’s ‘bit late’ as he said. And now i’m left with almost.. nothing. He went off. And i’m wishing so hard he didn’t.

I want to start over. I love him so.

Well i thank Jesus i ain’t a (LIAR), and the people around me don’t have to pretend they like me.

My A’s were hard work. Retarded or childish, i was still hardworking and focused. And so were my friends, honey. Now don’t go blogging about us behind our backs, either!

At least i voice out my irritations. You can’t.

And if they’d have to make a choice, i’m pretty sure we know who they’d root for.

So appreciate my hospitality. I’ve stopped bitching about you ages ago, and you should do the same. Respect the people around you and they’ll love you for who they are.

Take a chill pill.

Perdon, me no hablar espanol bien.

Pero yo muy encantado con espanol! Por favor correcta mi por incorrecto utilitad espanol.

Encantada!

This word.. when uttered sometimes sounds absolutely absurd. People go on and on about fate, luck, DESTINY..

And today i will tell you what mine has been in the last 3 days, and how i’ve manipulated it to my good. Not it’s own.

Tuesday. Math examination in the day. But the early morning before.. Someone passed away. A large dose of regret first thing when i woke up. I heard her on the phone talking about a funeral..and i knew. And i kept it welled inside, because i didn’t want her to cry any more. Little did anyone know, i cried to myself to a couple of times. Tuesday night, we rushed down to Malacca to be with him and his father. 2+ am before i could sleep. After crying myself tired.

Wednesday. Woke up early and went to college. Did a bit of Economics before i went with her to meet a Korean girl. Sweet. And we had a great time. Got to know her mom and all that. Perfect outing. Then when i was walking home.. some guy decides he wants to take a try at my bag. I hold it tight, and he gets away without it. But only after i’ve had quite a fall, and i’ve called him a pig. I panic and run home.. and then when i’m all calmed down i realise i’m hurting everywhere. And i’ve probably hurt a large proportion of my back. I spend the rest of the day hobbling.. and trying to study for the exam next day.

Thursday morning. My mom decides she can’t go down for his funeral because i need to be sent to college. So i’m feeling bad and i just HATE studying and end up being online and watching the idiot-box. I hate my condition and i wished i felt better. Then the afternoon comes.. and i get to college. 13 minutes before i’m reminding someone to bring in his exam docket and realise i didn’t bring my own. The sweet guy tells me i have to go get mine.. in the rain. So i do. I get all soaked with people being absolutely sweet . I sit for the exam soaking wet, with even a squish in my shoes for an added effect. The sweet guy offers me his sweater once, but i’m all wet so i said no. Told you he was sweet!          

Evening comes, and she tells me he wants us at a party. I’m like, no way. I’m going out with my parents. Ironically, they’ve announced that petrol prices are up rm0.86 by midnight, and EVERYONE decides to get a grab at cheaper petrol, and mom doesn’t want to go out anymore. So i settle with some weird cake and hot coffee before dad and i make it home.

And this morning.. i wake up still achey and all that.. and he decides to be an idiot and throw a tantrum. Sigh.

All this while my love is away. I miss Macs SO!

But guess what? The only tears i’ve cried are of for a dead man. None more. Jesus has given me so much strength, and i’m taking it all in with a smile. Eventful, not depressing. Hard, but i’m not resigning. I cannot change stuff, but i can mould myself to be ready for more than this.

SO people, call me out for a drink! Exams are over and i need some entertainment. As if 3 days hasn’t been enough.

2nd, 3rd, 4th June 2008, I love you!