I have never felt so lousy in a long long time. Physically and emotionally, and i’m very, very tired mentally.

I attended the SEA Forensics finals yesterday. Woke up at 5.30 and left for school at 6. Did not get home till 11.30 pm, because i went to get my laptop at LowYat after the finals. That took a huge strain on me physically and mentally, and it was all that idiot’s fault. I hope he feels like one today because he is! So much for being German. [ I just felt like blaming him, sorry. ]

I’ve been sick since Thursday, no thanks to the Irish Cream i downed on Wednesday night. I haven’t gotten my adequate rest since then, until just now of course. But tonight i have to go for a dinner, and will probably end late. Praise Jesus i have no class tomorrow till 2 pm.

Sigh. I thought i was supposed to be a tad smarter than girls my age.

At least i enjoyed the screening of Much Ado About Nothing on Friday. Keanu, Denzel and Robert Leonard all at once! And the A-levels GA was a crazy affair. At least the lunch was good, but i have a strong feeling my walking off didn’t teach Jon much of a lesson.

Got to stop rattling.

All my love. I miss Carolyn to my very heart’s core.

I’m so happy for Laura! She should know why.

And today was a rather, typical day. Lit class was cancelled just as i came for it, and then i had lunch with Laura. People texting me for class info, times and all that. The usual thing.

Me going around in class talking to just about half of them, because i can’t make my mind up about who i want to be friends with and hang around with for sure.

Helped MikYung and Shazlinaah for their exams registration, and did my own with Sabra, Janice, Michelle, Paul, and Edward screaming around. Really a typical day. Not sad or happy or exhilarating or anything. Typical.

Just one thing. I think i’m detaching myself from my past. Not entirely, but i’m moving on. Good. Although people say i should talk about it.. i don’t think that’d be a good idea. I’d hurt someone.

I miss Carolyn SO SO MUCH. I got to hug Adelyn and Joce yesterday, and that was good. The best part is Carolyn misses me too. Funny how things work out.

And yes. I miss Him. Of course i do. Dumb feller went back there. But being so sweet. Making me smile at 4.30 am. Again, typical.

The calm after the storm. My calm, and my storm. And Ivan is SO cute when he’s asleep.

I’ll make this orange because it reminds me of Carolyn, and her chance to start over.

I wish i were with her.

Everyday now.

My life sucks. There’s too much change for me to handle at a go. I wish i were at a new place, somewhere where i could start over. Where i don’t have to pretend to be bubbly and fun and loving because to the people there, i never was.

I can’t talk to anyone about how i feel. It’s just too wrong, how i feel. But i can’t help feeling this way. I tell bits and pieces to people, but it doesn’t help. I need to give it all away.

The whole SASA thing is not kicking off right. SIGH.

MY LIFE, BASICALLY, SUCKS.

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, and Happy CNY.

Glad i could spread some sunshine.

It’s so obvious i miss you. No reason i shouldn’t. I think about you ALL THE TIME, and i wonder how you are, where you are, and all that.

They may not understand, or they may, and not like it, but i live for myself, and now, you. You mean SO much to me, like a lot of other people, but you’re special, and i figured that out when it hit me you were going.

I’ll never ever regret you, no. I enjoyed you, your smiles, laughter, silly teasing and all that. I’m glad i’m part of your life, and i never want this to end. I’m glad i could hug you and kiss you, especially when you needed it. I’m glad.

Life is not going to be easy for you and me. It will take a lot of hard work. But i’ll go that far for you, because i love you. I truly do. It won’t matter what they say, because the people i love will understand, and if they don’t, then it only means they don’t love me for me, and it was never meant to be.

Still can’t believe you left, not when you’re still stuck in my head and heart.